So my week or weekend was the pits to say the least. I have cried so much that the tears won't even fall anymore. I don't know what I thought it would be like to lose a parent but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I feel nothing right now...numb most people would say. I am not sure how long it will last. This whole thing has opened my eyes to what death can do to a family. I would like to say it brings everyone closer but I am beginning to wonder if the different greiving processes didn't almost destroy us. It is hard to figure out what to do right after someone passes away. I wanted to pick the things out that I thought my dad would have wanted but I didn't know what he wanted and is it really worth fighting when we all needed to pull together to help each other. I wanted to focus on the here and now and others wanted to look into the future. I don't know how to compromise my process with someone else's. For me it was too hard to sit in his house and see all of his stuff just sitting as if he had just been plucked from the room. I wanted to spend all the time I could with my kids so their life wouldn't be disrupted and they wouldn't feel as if I wasn't absent from their lives. I just wanted to do my greiving my way...no one telling me how. I spent my Sunday morning at church as always because it brought me peace and I sang in the choir so that I could "thank" God for his mercy and grace. For me that was important. I sat through a sermon that I would have been upset to have known I missed. It was a good release for me. And so here is my sermon summary...
PRAY BIG...Pray for something this year and from now on that ONLY God could give you.
Pray big so that God knows that you understand how mighty he is. Don't give up. Don't expect the answer tomorrow or a week from now. Be presistant. Don't let the "wrong" answer to your prayer make you stop praying for the "right" answer. (wrong for you, right for you). If someone had stopped praying for me, I would not be in church but they never gave up. It was in God's time, not theirs. It is Ok to pray for your dinner and to say your nightly thank you prayer to God but don't let those be what you consider your prayer life. Pick something that you are passionate about and pray until you get the answer...
So that is a quick summary... I would type more but I can't get all of my words to filter out of my brain right now.
One more thing...I want to personally thank Mark for all of his visits to see my dad and for doing an awesome job at the graveside service. I don't think any of us will know the impact that you had on him. Thanks again.
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8 comments:
No one can predict how you will respond to a crisis or a tragedy. No one can plan how to react or how they will react to the death of someone they loved. Being an outsider, but your mom, made it even more difficult to watch. A person's true character usually comes forth when times are tough. I think trying to do what you thought your dad would want was a stumbling block for all of you. It really should have been about what all of you wanted with consideration for what he may have wanted. But God was with you and He came through for you as each situation presented itself. Life goes on with no consideration for what you have just gone through. Hang in there and PRAY PRAY for the big and patiently wait, the answer is on the way.
Love you.
mom
been praying for you during this time
thanks for the sermon summary...I'm sorry I missed you at church.
praying for you,
Sarah
We are praying for you all and know that God will be right by your side! He will not let you down! We enjoyed having you all over on Saturday night and wish that Tom could have come too. I
know it was hard!! We love you!
Marsha & Keever
Kim, Our prayer's have been with you during this time of grieving. I knew it would be hard but didn't know how hard. I had gone through this with Mom and Dad and four brother's But god dose take away the owful hart so we can endure it. He is always there when we neeed him. It makes us stronger. And He doesn't put more on us then we can bare. I love you Kim won't I will try not worry as God is there with you. Love, Grandma
Kim, sorry for all the jumble of words. We were gone a lot, home late. And an excuse. Grandma
You have no idea who I am...I have no idea who you are except through the blog world connections. I went to school with Holly Grate and Andrea Grate...and linked to your blog throught Kelley's. (I'm a stalker of Kelley's and now she'll know...)
I too just lost my father in April 2006. (I am 29yrs old) He was 54 years old - a big surprise of a loss. My heart (like yours it sounds) was truly broken. I was also 6.5 months pregnant with my first child and his first grandson! There's so much I could write but I can't get it all on a comment on a blog.
Please konw I lift you up and the rest of your family - my tears still flow all of the time and it's been 9 months! WOW! I can only imagine how long they'll flow.
Someone sends us some grief books quarterly. They are an easy read and have been oh so helpful. You probably don't want to share your address with a stranger, but if you do by chance I'd love to send them to you. You can ask Andrea who I am, we worked together. Allison (Hess) Shoemaker. If I don't hear from you that's fine - I'll still pray the peace of Christ to come over you. He will give it, even though we'll still hurt.
arshoemaker@sbcglobal.net
Kim, Very beautifully put. Reading and watching this at work was not the place as tears ran down my face. You have a wonderful faith and strength about you that is really amazing to me. I needed the summary of the sermon as I have something "BIG" to pray about and have been right now in my life and just when I thought I shouldn't be praying as hard as I was, you sent the notes from your sermon. Even in bad times, we can speak to others as you have done. I love you and your family and will continue to hold you up in my prayers. Love, Bev
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