Tuesday, October 17, 2006
My Job or someone else's
Where is the line? Where is the line between being critical of someone and pointing out things that everyone has been thinking and not saying so that the person can better themselves? I struggle with this line. For instance, do you tell someone late in the day that they have a pair of underwear sticking out of the bottom of their pant leg when it is obvious that they have had them stuck there all day and it didn't seem to be something that anyone else has decided to share with them or do you let them discover them later. I always tell Wayne that a true friend will tell me if I am doing something wrong or wearing something inappropriate or I have something stuck somewhere it is not supposed to be. A true friend will tell you that you have a pepper grain as big as your front tooth sticking between your teeth or that your zipper has found its way down or that when you bend over everyone can see what kind of underwear you are wearing or they can see the tattoo that you have been hiding from everyone. That is a true friend. I guess the line that I struggle with is the one of more personal issues...like here is a good example. My husband...he stands a bit close to people when he talks...you know the 3 foot rule. Well my dear sweet husband feels the need, along with his whole family, to stand so that you feel like any minute they are going to hug you or kiss you. You try to back away but they inch closer...SO annoying. I have mentioned to him that it is annoying and he gets mad that I am being critical. Another thing....he talks alot... Anyone who has met him knows this...I think he knows it...but when I point it out...I am being mean. Now I know that everyone talks about it to other people but no one tells him...I feel like if I tell him I will save him from being ridiculed by his peers. Now don't feel like you have just stepped into a fight between him and I, we are not fighting about this and I have told him what I am blogging about...I was just wondering what everyone else was thinking about this line. So that is it for now...a little thing I have been questioning as I strive to be a better wife and a better friend...BY the way...if it is the job of a friend to tell you those things then WATCH OUT...I have a few friends that I have been wanting to be critic...I mean help out.
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5 comments:
Sorry Kim, I won't touch this with a ten foot pole.:) I think you just have to judge whether or not it will hurt and affect how that person will feel. Some things will help the situation and some others will just hurt. I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes that old saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is a good rule to follow. Many times the help that is offered is tossed back in your face and feelings are hard to repair once they are hurt! Well, I've said enough!
Love you,
Aunt Marsha
I have to second Marsha's thoughts she has done a much better job than I over the years. I think it is always in the spirit it is said. All of us wish people had said something after the fact but in reality if they had said something at the time it was happening most likely we would have had our feelings hurt or become defensive. You will learn that as the boys get older they will not want your opinion or your suggestions because they feel they have the answers and you can't possibly know what they are feeling so they will not listen but go on to do things that you tried to tell them not to do then later ask you "why didn't you tell me?" I think we have to take the position that if I can take care of my life and resolve it and keep my family moving ahead I won't have time to be critical of anyone. Maybe they like the tissue hanging out of their pants it may be their way of finding their way back. Or maybe they like wearing their hair all bunched up and straggling around their collar. I have to remember I am only responsible for me. whew am i glad...
Love ya
mom
okay..what do you need to tell me?? hmmm...did I have something in my teeth...do I sing to loudly?...um...just tell me already!! lol
As far as the line goes, try with one critical thing buffered by a few complimentary things about that person. It should help make the relationship stronger..I think..or else that person will just be self conscience around you and who wants that.
do it all in love...but remember what Thumper's mom had to say in 'Bambi'...."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
that has been a motto I live by..but it has also been a determent to some of my relationships..so don't do that. :)
love ya...sorry it's confusing advice.
Sarah
I think when it comes to our husbands, it's perfectly fine to point out their faults. After all, they have sooo many! ;) Just teasing. I do tell Brian though if he's doing something that is really annoying to others. I totally think it's good to tell people if they have food in their teeth, or boogies, etc.
I did get in a bad situation with this kind of thing once. A good friend of mine was doing something that was really bothering some of our other friends. Instead of them telling her, they kept telling me and the situation was getting bad, they were really losing respect for her. So I thought I was doing the right thing by talking to her about it. But it really hurt her feelings and put a strain on our relationship as well as her relationship with the others involved. She did however change her behavior on that matter. So maybe it was a good thing, but it was hard to hurt her. So, years later, I still don't know if I handled that situation correctly.
Signed,
Barbara Black
Hey Kim,
Sorry this took me so long. I have been sick, sick, sick. Still not 100%, but I think I'm on the mend. This is a touchy subject. I think we should be somewhat honest, but very tactfully. I dont' think we need to hurt people in the name of honesty. I personally, always say I want to know, but in reality I don't. My feelings get hurt very easily, so I'm probably not the best person to ask about this. I'd rather live in my fantasy world. :)
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